Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts

Friday, May 18, 2018

Strictly Personal! Self-Serving Altruism by Robert Eggleton (Guest Blogger)

Thanks, Esther, for inviting me to share my motivation for writing Rarity from the Hollow, an adult social science fiction adventure that raises funds to help abused children. An oxymoron ignited when I was a child, I blame my mother for everything – my lifetime of low wages working for nonprofit agencies, fifty-two years paying into the Social Security fund that now keeps me so poor that I’ll never have to pay income taxes again, and for making me write a debut novel many years after her death – self-serving altruism lives on, blessed to be a blessing, an enduring love.

My mother was one of those women who would share the little that we had with perfect strangers: eggs and coffee to hobos riding the trains, commodity peanut butter on homemade biscuits for hungry kids in the neighborhood. A good man deep down inside, my father returned from WWII damaged: severe PTSD, night terrors, and anger outbursts exasperated by alcoholism. Despite rotting teeth and in refusal of the role of downtrodden victim, my mother’s glow was infectious, a satisfaction from helping others that some never achieve in life, and a gift that sunk into me as I matured.

I started working as a child to help feed our family, sometimes dismayed when my mother would share the gains with others. For example, I cleaned the back alley of a grocery store and was paid in dented and unlabeled canned goods, and boxes of dry good too crushed to sell off the shelf. My first minimum was job was at age 12. I kept my mouth shut and watched my mother perform her magic, knowing that someday I would understand.

That day came during my youth. At age 15 or so, I had become increasingly active in social justice issues: civil rights and anti-war protests. Inspired by my mother’s unconditional respect for always doing the right things in life, music with a message, and the times during the tumultuous ‘60s in America, I camped at a tent city when a traditionally Black neighborhood was to be demolished for interstate construction and was kicked out of high school for unauthorized distribution of youth organizing anti-war literature. Before I was old enough to be drafted into the Army, I volunteered to be trained by students from Antioch College in Draft Counseling and worked at our local Legal Aid Society office in that field. I also volunteered at two walk-in drug counseling programs, mostly talking down kids who were experiencing bad acid trips. I became hooked on self-serving altruism just like my mother had exhibited. It finally all made sense.

I went to summer school in high school to get my last credit and enrolled at WV State College, a traditionally Black institution that I believed might be a good fit. At the same time, although idealistic, I was also very practical – my family needed money. After admission, I overheard a professor say that there would always be jobs in the field of child welfare, whether the country was going through good or bad times. My other academic subjects were not particularly strong as public school had always been mostly a place where I dissociated from my own traumas related to domestic violence, or where I organized other kids to fight for social justice, instead of a place that I valued learning. So, I checked out becoming a social work major. I was awarded a Master’s Degree in 1977 and have served as a children’s advocate for over forty years.

Now looking back as a 68 year old debut novelist, early adversities in my life have enhanced my overall quality of life. I’m the oldest son of four children. Since there was no money for toys or recreation growing up, we didn’t have a television or car, perhaps to help us all escape a harsh reality, I started writing and sharing short stories to entertain my family, peers, and others in the neighborhood. My stories got better and my audience grew. In the eighth grade I won the school’s short story writing competition and began to dream of getting my family out of poverty by becoming a rich and famous author. I’m still dreaming about that one. (LOL)

After I finished graduate school, all of my jobs included writing nonfiction related to child welfare: service manuals, policy, investigative reports about systems, institutions, and programs; research and statistical reports on child abuse and delinquency… I was passionate about issues that adversely affected child welfare, and it showed in my writing. This was a huge personal weakness that I’ve worked hard to overcome in my nonfiction and my gains have helped my fiction, as well.

Over the years, I can’t remember a day that I didn’t take work home with me, emotionally. For example, many tears were shed when writing an investigative report for the West Virginia Supreme Court: “Daniel’s Death, West Virginia’s First Child Maltreatment Fatality Report.” I had to write that report at home because I didn’t want to become a mess at work where everybody was dressed up as emotionally-detached professionals. My state established its first child fatality review process, in large part, as a result of this report. I was appointed by the State Medical Examiner to our first child fatality review team. Emotionally difficult and vigorous editing of my work, caused me to become a better and more experienced writer in control of my own emotions. Much of my nonfiction is now archived by the West Virginia Division of Culture and History. 

In 2002, I accepted a job as a psychotherapist at our local mental health center in a children’s day program. Many of the children were victims of child abuse, some had been sexually abused. (Yes, I also earned that clinical license.) It was an emotionally draining job, but I only cried one time at work during the next thirteen years. During an individual therapy session, a twelve year old disclosed how her mother had sold her and then detailed what had happened to her that summer before she was rescued. Every evening at home, I replayed the children’s stories in my head. 

While exhaustive at times, being a psychotherapist was also my first professional job that didn’t include the production of written materials. My need to write was unmet and began to gnaw on me. I’m not sure that I would have returned to fiction had I not felt compelled to accept this job, and if I had not met a very special eleven year old with stringy brown hair during a group psychotherapy session. In 2006, I met the real-life Lacy Dawn, the protagonist of my stories. She was an empowered survivor of extreme child abuse who spoke about her hopes and dreams for a bright future – finding a loving family that would protect her forever. I was inspired and my need to write was peaking, so I returned to writing fiction. The Lacy Dawn Adventures project was born and Rarity from the Hollow is the first full-length adventure.

Over the years, my feelings that something much more needed to be done to help maltreated children grew and grew. The United States has one of the worst records among industrialized nations in protecting kids – losing an average of between four and seven children every day due to child abuse and neglect. (Link to http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/#1) All of the tears in the world, however, will do little to help needful children.

I established realistic goals for the Rarity from the Hollow project: (1) to sensitize readers to the huge social problem of child maltreatment and, 2) raise some money to help a wonderful nonprofit agency where I worked in the early ‘80s, http://www.childhswv.org/. I was the Director of Emergency Children’s Shelters. Half of author proceeds from this project are donated. These goals make me feel good about myself, a self-serving altruism.

Okay, okay, call it ego, but I wanted something more out of my debut novel. Probably as a psychological defense, I tried to convince myself that it was a fundraising strategy. I wanted my novel to be fun to read. Based on my experience raising money for small nonprofit agencies, I knew that benefactors wanted to have fun during functions, such as dinners or auctions, and not focus on depressing issues. That’s how they remain active, having fun, not just because of their heartfelt convictions.   

I was motivated to write something very different than a straight exposé or a memoir on child victimization. Maybe I did: “It is funny and irreverent but beneath the hallucinatory story of visits to shopping planets and interstellar shopping games, there is a profound critique of social problems, substance abuse, child sexual abuse and child murder that is quite eye opening… Rarity from the Hollow is very, very good… I’d recommend Rarity From the Hollow to anybody who likes a side helping of the lunatic with their science fiction and fantasy.”

“…a hillbilly version of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, only instead of the earth being destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass, Lacy Dawn must… The author has managed to do what I would have thought impossible; taken serious subjects like poverty, ignorance, abuse, and written about them with tongue-in-cheek humor without trivializing them… Eggleton sucks you into the Hollow, dunks you in the creek, rolls you in the mud, and splays you in the sun to dry off. Tucked between the folds of humor are some profound observations on human nature and modern society that you have to read to appreciate…it’s a funny book that most sci-fi fans will thoroughly enjoy.” – Awesome Indies Gold Medal

“Full of cranky characters and crazy situations, Rarity From the Hollow sneaks up you and, before you know it, you are either laughing like crazy or crying in despair, but the one thing you won’t be is unmoved… Robert Eggleton is a brilliant writer whose work is better read on several levels. I appreciated this story on all of them.” - Readers’ Favorite Gold Medal

I was also motivated to write something that outlived me. Maybe I did: “Brilliant satires such as this are genius works of literature in the same class as Orwell’s Animal Farm. I can picture American Lit professors sometime in the distant future placing this masterpiece on their reading list.”

There are a lot of book reviews on Amazon, most of them glowing, if someone wants to check them out.

I remain motivated to promote this project.

Thanks, again, Esther, for providing this opportunity to tell your readers about the Rarity from the Hollow project.

I have benefitted more that I could ever explain by concern for and my actions on behalf of maltreated kids. I am forever grateful that I learned about self-serving altruism from my mother and I hope that your readers benefit from me having shared my perspective.

Here’s the link to a very cool video that was donated to the project.

Anything the anyone can do to promote Rarity from the Hollow would be appreciated, and it just might make you feel good if you do:


“And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make” The Beatles, Abbey Road

Sunday, May 13, 2018

5 Positive Things Resilient Moms Should Tell Their Children After Divorce by Antoinette Capri (Guest Blogger)

Congratulations!

You made it.
You're finally finished with the paperwork, parent classes, hard decisions and fees.
You've received your final divorce decree.

You’re a resilient mom!

Now what?
What do you do when the fight for your freedom is over?

Get clear!

Clear your head and your spirit.  Grow in your understanding and your truth. Get clear with yourself and with your children.

When I say get clear with yourself, I mean practice self-care.
Self-care that encourages you.
Self-care that inspires you.
Self-care that makes sure you’re moving FORWARD!

For example, Ask yourself questions such as:
"What do I really like to do?"
"What are my true desires?"
"Where do I want to be in the next 3 years?"
"Am I as healthy as I need to be?"
"What inspires me?"

Now… record your answers in a journal.

Afterwards, it's time to concern yourself with the stability of your children.

Resilient Moms understand that divorce can be very tricky.

It can make you feel as free as a bird and yet, as broken as shattered glass.

So, if divorce makes YOU feel like this, don't you think there is a strong possibility that your children feel the same way?

Just in case they do:

Here are 5 positive things resilient moms should tell their children after divorce:

1. It's not your fault.
Your children should know that there was nothing that they could have done better or different to change the outcome of the divorce. It was a decision made by the parents and is the responsibility of the parents, not the children.

2. Life has constant changes.
Change happens every day. Some change is good, some change is bad. The best way to handle change is by telling yourself the truth and being prepared for anything to happen. Being prepared means to practice ways to turn negative situations into positive outcomes. For example, the weather changes daily, so we keep an umbrella close… just in case it rains. That’s being prepared. So, in life, do the same thing.

3. You matter!
Your children should know how important they are to the family and to their purpose. They need to feel as though their thoughts, feelings and ideas are valued.  Show them how important they are by allowing them to share heart-felt feelings with you, while you share your unbiased feelings with them. Sharing is caring & healthy growth in your relationships.

4. You are loved!
Don’t just tell them you love them - SHOW IT!  Be generous with your affection toward your children, so they feel your love hasn't gone away with the divorce. I believe when we’re free from the pressures of the divorce, we’re also free to love in a deeper, stronger way with the children.

5. Live on Purpose
Let your children know that their life was given for a purpose and only they can learn what that purpose will be. Your divorce doesn’t change their ability to grow, love, and create new things for this world. Let them know that many changes will happen during their lifetime, but what counts is how they grow from each experience.

Overall, heart-felt communication is key to maintaining a healthy, strong & creative relationship with yourself and your children. Divorce can be either a painful experience or a life lesson. If you’re a resilient mom, you learn to make the most out of every difficult situation. Therefore, I believe, every difficult situation that is presented to you in life comes to build character, creativity and courage.

Live Resilient!!

Did you like this? Want me to answer something personally?  Feel free to send questions to ac@antoinettecapri.com or visit www.antoinettecapri.com

Antoinette Capri (also known as Ms. Nikki) is a local author, emotional resilience expert, and founder of Caprii Communications. She hosts public workshops and private sessions on resilience throughout Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Virginia.

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This blog post was curated and/or edited by The Ardent Reader, Esther Hofknecht Curtis, BSOL, MSM-HCA. The views expressed in this blog post are those of the guest blogger. Visit her page at www.parrotcontent.com for more information.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Revisions by Amy L. Kratz (Guest Blogger)

It’s become a trend moving from a big home to a smaller one and keeping it comfortable. It’s highly popular among young people, because of expense.

You can’t imagine how much of your life must be considered to get to the point of an actual plan to condense it into a smaller space. Thinking about moving from a home with a lot of space and things, to a home with less than half that space means sacrifice and getting rid of your precious things. Things that take up a great amount of space in your home and also within your psyche and entwined in identity.

I used to only own things out of necessity and then all of a sudden that changed. I can remember the moment it happened in May 1998, when my mom died in a tragic car accident and she left me a wonderful gift; her home and everything she loved in it. That gift became my own beautiful, difficult, comfortable, complex, sad, and wonderful home and burden.

I was living in Minneapolis, I was 33, in a spacious apartment with my girlfriend, and together we owned four rooms of things and three cats. I was thinking about buying a home there. I loved the rhythm of that city… it was poetry to my senses.

That’s when life took a horrible, unsettling turn, one that in the end was probably a blessing in disguise. It seems fitting to write this in honor of my mother, her hard work, the gifts she gave me, and the need to revise one’s life. The 20th anniversary of her death looms over me while I sit in my comfortable yet smaller condominium that I bought last year.

I was dragged into a world of amazing HOME OWNERSHIP and all its joyous responsibility and a deep well of grief, both of which I had never experienced before. In this grief I couldn’t comprehend selling the only home that our mom, a working, single mother actually bought on her own. I had great respect for her hard work, sacrifice, and her love of this beautiful home, one that she took from rags to riches. She was a budget decorator but her home looked as if it should be in Home & Garden magazine. Ironically, it was sad and comforting, all at the same time.

For years my mom and I poured love, thousands of dollars, blood, sweat, and tears into that wonderful home, but I finally had to make a choice: Did I want to go broke and continue to need a roommate to stay afloat, or did I need to sell this home that I loved? That choice fermented for many years. Finally, I realized that getting rid of things was painful and necessary. I thought long and hard and then three years ago decided to sell it.
   
It was a place of family gatherings, beautiful gardens, good memories, and three floors of things. There were lots of things they all had attached meaning and symbolism, etched on my soul. On the other hand many of them sat in an attic for 19 years, a literal wasteland of forgotten memories. I became the keeper of the memories of our lives through old things, some passed down through generations. I had to come to terms with this, though: the home was big, old, and overwhelming.

I finally just said to myself, “They are just things!” This is a mantra taught to me by an old friend also gone from this earth. Bonnie used that to get perspective on big and complicated life issues; meaning that things can’t have power over you. She was right, and I began living that philosophy.

Once I could actualize that concept, I could toss things, give things away, and sell collections of things, and move on. I realized I had to stop thinking of everything as a thing that my mother struggled to build, or buy, or how hard she worked to make it happen.

I kept some things which were important, gifts, or things I just enjoyed. My revision was shedding the past and living life on my terms. It was just another lesson in life edits.

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This blog post was curated and/or edited by The Ardent Reader, Esther Hofknecht Curtis, BSOL, MSM-HCA. The views expressed in this blog post are those of the guest blogger. Visit www.parrotcontent.com for more information.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

We do recover by Kristen Hughes (Guest Blogger)

Hi! My name is Kristen and I am an addict.


I grew up in a small town in a small state. I had two parents who loved me and are still married to each other today. I had two brothers who teased the crap out of me – but were ready to fight if someone made me cry. I had everything you could imagine. We lived in a nice house. I went to church. I was a majorette. I studied ballet, tap, and jazz. I was in all of the community plays and at any moment, you could find me breaking out into a song or dance. I was on the honor roll every year in school. I had a lot of friends. I was THAT kid.

I don’t remember the first time I took a drink. All I know is that I was young. It was innocent – sips of my mom’s wine coolers, another sip of beer here or there. I liked the taste and I knew I wanted more. I can’t tell you when it started, but the binge drinking was in full effect once I hit my senior year in high school. I was a party girl. I liked to have fun. I loved being the center of attention and I would get drunk until I would pass out. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me that my drinking was too much. Maybe they did and I just didn’t listen. Because all I knew was that when I was drunk, I made people laugh. I was free.

I graduated high school and went off to a local university. Nothing changed when I went away, except the drinking was more accessible and more excessive. Soon enough, drugs entered the picture. It started with weed and cocaine, along with the drinking. Again – not once do I remember anyone showing concern for what I was doing. I am still wondering how I hid it so well. Looking back, my life was spiraling, but I never stopped.
Somehow, through it all, I managed to graduate and get a job. A great job. Doing what I absolutely love. I still drank and used drugs on weekends, and I’d have a crazy weeknight binge every so often. I was living a double life. I had a group of friends that knew nothing of my drug use. And I had a group of friends that only knew me as the party girl. I was able to maintain that lifestyle for a while. Yes, I had periods where I would get out of control – but always managed to get back on track - until I found heroin.
You see, I was tired of cocaine. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I hated the paranoia, and the “upper” effect. I wanted something different, and heroin was my answer. I was 26 the first time I used heroin. Twenty six. I was a college grad. I had my own apartment. I had a great career. I had family that loved me. Friends who cared about me. I knew better – right? That’s where addiction gets you. You think it’s harmless. A few nights here and there quickly turned into a dependence like I had never experienced. When I couldn’t score I found myself sick. More sick than I had ever been. An ache so deep within my bones. I had no idea what was happening to me. My boyfriend at the time was the one who told me I was in withdrawal. All I knew was that I needed one more. I needed to get right. That was the end of my freedom as I knew it. I became a slave to the drug.
I could go into the graphic details of my drug use. I could tell you all the horrible things I did and the horrible places I went. I could explain to you how I lied, stole, and degraded myself in every way possible just to get “one more.”  I could tell you how my father found me unresponsive in a pool of blood and vomit with a needle still in my arm. I could tell you how I was in a coma, and how at the age of 27 I had to get a pacemaker because my heart suffered so much. I can tell you that even after going away to treatment, I used again. And continued to use. And every day I was killing myself.
I knew I was dying. I knew I had to get clean. But using drugs goes beyond the physical addiction. It’s a mental hold on you that is so strong. I reached out one last time for help. I called my mom. I told her I wanted to go to detox. I told her to pick me up in three hours because I had to get high one more time. Just once more. I went to detox in August of 2007. That decision saved my life. Like I said earlier, I knew I was dying, I just didn’t know how serious my condition was. The pacemaker they put in after my overdose had become infected from continued drug use, and it was - quite literally - killing me. Had I not made the decision to go to detox when I did, my doctor said I would have died.
I stayed clean for a little while. I started attending a 12 step fellowship. Life started getting good again. My family slowly trusted me. I started to find friends who shared the same recovery goals that I had. I survived the most deadly part of my addiction. But even through all of that, I used again.
My clean date is February 25, 2008. I just celebrated 10 years of recovery.
Here is where I hope you listen, and listen closely. Once you put a drug in you – it’s Russian Roulette. No one is exempt. No one. No one knows at what point they will become an addict. The reality is, I have always been an addict. It wasn’t until it manifested itself in the form of drugs that I realized it. And I am grateful. The disease of addiction has many faces. My disease has manifested itself in the form of drugs, shopping, eating, sex, gambling, exercise, lying, fantasy, and the list goes on.
But I have hope today. Today I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am an aunt. I am a teacher. I am a friend. And I am an addict.
Thanks for letting me share.

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This blog post was curated and/or edited by The Ardent Reader, Esther Hofknecht Curtis, BSOL, MSM-HCA. The views expressed in this blog post are those of the guest blogger. Visit www.parrotcontent.com for more information.