5 Positive Things Resilient Moms Should Tell Their Children After Divorce by Antoinette Capri (Guest Blogger)

Congratulations!

You made it.
You're finally finished with the paperwork, parent classes, hard decisions and fees.
You've received your final divorce decree.

You’re a resilient mom!

Now what?
What do you do when the fight for your freedom is over?

Get clear!

Clear your head and your spirit.  Grow in your understanding and your truth. Get clear with yourself and with your children.

When I say get clear with yourself, I mean practice self-care.
Self-care that encourages you.
Self-care that inspires you.
Self-care that makes sure you’re moving FORWARD!

For example, Ask yourself questions such as:
"What do I really like to do?"
"What are my true desires?"
"Where do I want to be in the next 3 years?"
"Am I as healthy as I need to be?"
"What inspires me?"

Now… record your answers in a journal.

Afterwards, it's time to concern yourself with the stability of your children.

Resilient Moms understand that divorce can be very tricky.

It can make you feel as free as a bird and yet, as broken as shattered glass.

So, if divorce makes YOU feel like this, don't you think there is a strong possibility that your children feel the same way?

Just in case they do:

Here are 5 positive things resilient moms should tell their children after divorce:

1. It's not your fault.
Your children should know that there was nothing that they could have done better or different to change the outcome of the divorce. It was a decision made by the parents and is the responsibility of the parents, not the children.

2. Life has constant changes.
Change happens every day. Some change is good, some change is bad. The best way to handle change is by telling yourself the truth and being prepared for anything to happen. Being prepared means to practice ways to turn negative situations into positive outcomes. For example, the weather changes daily, so we keep an umbrella close… just in case it rains. That’s being prepared. So, in life, do the same thing.

3. You matter!
Your children should know how important they are to the family and to their purpose. They need to feel as though their thoughts, feelings and ideas are valued.  Show them how important they are by allowing them to share heart-felt feelings with you, while you share your unbiased feelings with them. Sharing is caring & healthy growth in your relationships.

4. You are loved!
Don’t just tell them you love them - SHOW IT!  Be generous with your affection toward your children, so they feel your love hasn't gone away with the divorce. I believe when we’re free from the pressures of the divorce, we’re also free to love in a deeper, stronger way with the children.

5. Live on Purpose
Let your children know that their life was given for a purpose and only they can learn what that purpose will be. Your divorce doesn’t change their ability to grow, love, and create new things for this world. Let them know that many changes will happen during their lifetime, but what counts is how they grow from each experience.

Overall, heart-felt communication is key to maintaining a healthy, strong & creative relationship with yourself and your children. Divorce can be either a painful experience or a life lesson. If you’re a resilient mom, you learn to make the most out of every difficult situation. Therefore, I believe, every difficult situation that is presented to you in life comes to build character, creativity and courage.

Live Resilient!!

Did you like this? Want me to answer something personally?  Feel free to send questions to ac@antoinettecapri.com or visit www.antoinettecapri.com

Antoinette Capri (also known as Ms. Nikki) is a local author, emotional resilience expert, and founder of Caprii Communications. She hosts public workshops and private sessions on resilience throughout Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Virginia.

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This blog post was curated and/or edited by The Ardent Reader, Esther Hofknecht Curtis, BSOL, MSM-HCA. The views expressed in this blog post are those of the guest blogger. Visit her page at www.parrotcontent.com for more information.

A victim is always someone else… until it’s not by Kerry McElwee (Guest Blogger)

Victims are always someone else… but what if it isn’t someone else? What happens when the victim is you?

You might think: I’ve done everything right… I’ve locked my doors, I have security lights and an alarm system, and I pay attention to everything going on around me. What went wrong? How could this happen to me?!

And yet, you have become the victim of a crime.

Even if you did everything right… you still did nothing to encourage your own victimization. If it wasn’t you, it would have been someone else.

There are many theories about how and why crime happens, but the basic rule is the person or people that did this to you do not abide by the same set of morals or values you do.

The best advice I can give is: Do not try to “understand” what happened or why.

Instead, focus on your next steps.

Find safe people to confide in about this crime. Be selective with those you choose. Some will blame you, some will tell you to “forgive,” and some will just disappear. You need to figure out what you need for healing and regaining your sense of control. Very few will be able to answer these questions for you, but you are not alone in your feelings.

This is a life changing event for you. You can never go back to before this happened or un-experience the crime. Everything will now have the filter of your crime in your life. How do you manage this experience? Where can you go for help?

Counselors, the religious community, victim centers, police, or prosecution social workers are all available.

You know what works and what doesn’t for dealing with stressful events in your life. What might work this time also? Or is it time to try something new? Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself for all the everyday things that seem overwhelming. You have been through a lot that you and others might not understand.

You are grieving the loss of your sense of safety, control, maybe order. Pick any phrase that works and realize the phrase will change as you go through this healing process. You will never be the same again, but you can regain some control. Ask for help and limit those that try to tell you something that does not feel right. Grieving is not a step-by-step process, you will zig-zag and stop and start. All of this is normal.

Are you a helper for someone who has confided in you about a crime? Just listen, sit with silence, do not say “I understand,” or “I’ve been there.” The best way you can help is just be there, and help by seeing to it that the basic needs are being met. Make sure they’re drinking enough water, eating enough food, sleeping enough (but not too much) and avoiding alcohol or drug abuse. Watch for signs of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Help identify places to get the right help.

Don’t avoid the topic or insist on talking about it. Just be as normal as you can and let the person you’re with ask for what is needed. If you find yourself “needing” to talk about it, find a helper for yourself. Any trauma can affect many in all different kind of ways. You can ask for help from many of the same types of places listed above.

If you are dealing with your own trauma or have been triggered by this event, get the help you need.

A victim is always someone else… until it’s not.

The Magic Ingredient of Winning Teams by Pat Williams, SVP of Orlando Magic (Guest Blogger)

Photo Credit: Norma Lopez Molina

In choosing players for your team, talent isn’t everything. I have worked with some of the legends of the game, from “Dr. J” and Charles Barkley to Shaquille O’Neal and Dwight Howard. Every one of these players is a unique individual with a unique style and personality. While each player was immensely talented, every coach I worked with without fail asked, “Can I coach this kid?  Will he listen? Does he have a teachable spirit?”  

Coachability is not only important in the highest levels of sport, it is important in every other endeavor of life. At work or at home, in the military or at school, you have got to have team players who want to keep learning, listening and growing in response to their leaders. 

Johnny Oats, former coach of the Texas Rangers said, “Some players come up fast, but they waste their talents no matter what you do. They’re just not coachable.” The character of the person is just as important as the talent. Coaching is what keeps a team harmonized, synchronized and continuously grow together. A team without coachable players is not a team; it’s merely a collection of flying egos.

Along with coachable players comes the idea of team chemistry. Talent sticks out but chemistry is harder to see. You can build a wild, entertaining, rambunctious team with talent alone, but to build a championship caliber team that works together and functions like a well-oiled machine you’ve got to have chemistry. 

Chemistry is more important than talent. In fact, team chemistry is the magic ingredient needed to complete the recipe of a winning team. What we call “chemistry” is a mixture of many factors: ability and skill levels, drive and ambition, personality, emotional makeup, values, communication, and people skills. 

Chemistry is not easy to assess until you actually put a team together under real-world circumstances and see how the individual members react to one another, play off one another, cooperate together and synergize. Often experimenting by adding this or subtracting that will help in achieving a level of chemistry that is just right.

Joe Axelson, longtime general manager in the NBA said, “Team chemistry is the most fragile of all mixtures. You never know how you get it, and you never know why you lose it. But when you’ve got it, you know you’ve got it – and when you don’t you know you that, too.”

Chemistry is mysterious, delicate and elusive. It can’t be turned on and off at will, but this doesn’t mean that nothing can be done to create good chemistry. The best way to create an environment where winning chemistry can strike your team is to seek a balance of personality types. You’re going to need some aggressive, high energy types, mixed in with some motivators and cheerleaders. You will need some leaders and you will need some followers. You need people who are confident enough to be risk-takers but you will also need some people who are unselfish enough to forgo the glory and move the ball around. 

When you’ve got a well-rounded, well-balanced blend of personalities who above all trust each other, you’ve got a team. You’ve got chemistry and a chance to win championships.

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Pat Williams is a basketball hall-of-famer, currently serving as founder and senior vice president of the NBA’s Orlando Magic. A father of 19 children (14 adopted), author of over 100 books and a cancer survivor, Pat is one of America’s most popular motivational speakers. Find out more at www.PatWilliams.com. 

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This blog post was curated and/or edited by The Ardent Reader, Esther Hofknecht Curtis, BSOL, MSM-HCA. The views expressed in this blog post are those of the guest blogger. Visit her page at www.parrotcontent.com for more information.

A Note from The Ardent Reader
I asked Pat Williams to contribute to this blog because he wrote a book called Read for Your Life which changed my life forever. His book was the catalyst I needed to identify some of my most strongly held convictions and inspired me to take steps to improve myself through reading.